March 23, 2009

Honest ADVICE Needed!


So…I hope this is not taken the wrong way – I had to put it out there to see what everyone’s opinion would be. I would usually not even question my thoughts on this, but this particular situation is a bit out there.

Here we go. A LONG ONE but hear me out…

Say someone in your circle of friends/family is getting married (very soon) to someone that is not right for them. Their fiancé is not just a little wrong for them but completely wrong for them on several levels. Nothing is good enough for this person, she dislikes most everything, she is selfish, causes arguments in public for no good reason, puts down her husband-to-be in front of his family/friends and is generally hateful towards most everyone. She can beat out even the most demanding of women and does it all with no remorse.

I hate to even THINK it, but what if he is making a huge mistake by going through with this. I know of several people in his close circle that think this is a mistake but only because they love him and want the best for him. I think the husband-to-be has some idea of what he is in for but I wonder if he thinks it will change once the wedding is over.

Now, I am no saint. I fully admit that I have been and will continue to be difficult sometimes but I would like to think that these times would only occur here and there. AND I fully understand the power of unconditional love and the commitment it takes to overcome hard times. BUT what if the whole relationship has been nothing but hard times and it looks certain that it will continue on this path. Can she really love him (LOVE HIM with her whole heart) when she acts this way? It is one thing to playfully joke about someone’s less than desirable characteristics, but isn’t this different from putting someone down (along with their family) incessantly when they are trying their hardest to take care of YOU?

The wedding is soon, and I mean SOON! What would you do?

*Would you say something while fully knowing the person may not listen and therefore be willing to make it worse*

Or

*Would you let it go and hope for the best?*

The question of the century…I hate this!!

22 comments:

d.a.r. said...

I was the MOH for my best friend's wedding. And had to bite my tongue the entire time, from the day she got engaged until the day she said "I do". I hated her fiancé. He was a jerk. He was controlling, self-centered, egotistic, and rude. He had no manners and was mean to Emily in public..it was awful. But, she was happy. He did treat her well, most of the time, and seemed to make her really happy. So I kept my mouth shut. In the three years since, they have become even happier and he has mellowed a lot. I guess sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and let things work out. No friend who is head over heels in love will listen to you bash their loved one, anyways. They can't be objective about it and will end up lashing out at you. You just have to pray for the best...

This all, of course, goes out the window if the other person is actually abusive. But there is a big line between protecting someone from abuse and just disliking their loved one.

Lindsey said...

My husband was in this situation and he was the best man. He asked a few times "are you sure this feels right?" to which the groom said yes. 3 months after the wedding they were divorced.
Does he regret not saying more? No, he felt it wasn't his place, though he did press him a few times so he felt like he did try.

Mrs. Newlywed said...

Unless he/she is abusive, you do not get to say a word.

You only see part of the relationship not the whole thing. What happens in front of you is only a slim piece of the entire picture, and while YOU may think the person is wrong you don't get to say that to anyone.

I know it is hard [been there done that], but honestly, the only person who should know your feeling is YOU. It will get around if you badmouth her, and they end up with a fabulous marriage.

Lis said...

UGHHH!!! I wish I had some stellar advice for you but sadly I should be the last person to comment on this.

My BFF called me last Friday to let me know she is um... getting married. And well, I had to say "to whom" sad right! Long story short, I am throwing them an engagement party Saturday and the wedding is in 3 weeks (CRAZY!) I would have a very long detailed blog about this but she reads it. I'm so scared of her pushing me away if I tell her how I really feel about this... Good luck, please let us know how this turns out for you!

Sweet Home Amy said...

This is ironic, because I have been in this situation, not in your position, but in your friend's. I married someone who my parents, my friends, my family, no one thought I should marry. At the time, I thought everyone agreed with me that he was *the one*, but what was happening was they were letting me make my own decision. Except my parents - they tried to step in and tell us not to get married yet, to wait and go through more counseling, and what ended up happening is it drove a HUGE wedge between not just me and them (which I got over quickly b/c they're my parents) but between them and my husband. He wouldn't go over to their house because he said "they didnt support our marriage."

In the end, I realized what an unhealthy marriage I was in (sounds similar to your friends, actually), and I got myself out. Yes, it was more difficult and costly and lengthy than if I'd realized it sooner, but I'm better off because I learned it on my own. I have to be honest and tell you, you have to trust your friend to make his own mistakes in life. BUT - it's incredibly important that you are there ready for him when things do go wrong (if they do). My best friend told me while I was staying with her post-divorce that she always had reservations about my ex and the way he treated me, but she felt it was my life and I needed to live it. I appreciated her for that, and when she was there for me in all those days following, I was glad. She said she knew if she tried to tell me not to marry him, I'd get mad at her and we wouldn't be friends anymore. And you know what - she was right.

I hope all of that made sense!! Best wishes!!! I'll be praying for you! :)

Heather said...

I agree with Amy....it's a lesson only your friend can learn...Just be there for them when they need you! That's what friends do :)

The Smith's said...

My husband has a buddy who just married a girl exactly like this and they tried to tell him. The bad thing was he said he knew but he married her anyways! So now he is unhappily married and we never see him :0( My point is even if you do say something it may not change a thing unfortunately!

jane in the waiting line said...

That is such a hard situation to be in! But I agree with some of the other girls, have faith that it will all work out. Be supportive of your friend, but let them find their own way. Just my opinion. Good luck!

Niki said...

I agree with everyone else also. I don't think that it is really your place to tell him not to marry the awful girl and if you tried he probably wouldn't listen anyway. Just be there for him and he will have to figure it out on his own.

Nicole-Lynn said...

It's a really hard decision. You seem like a nice girl, and that you only have the best of intentions... I usually do as well, and in the end usually get told that i'm over-stepping the boundaries, that I'm judgemental for voicing my opinion {only in offering advice for my friends and their relationships}. I've learned through the years... you can't change anyone's minds. They will in the end do what they want, and most people aren't strongly influenced. I would just let them figure things out. At the end of the day, it's their relationship.

Amber said...

I wouldn't just bombard this person. I would sit down and tell them your observations. It's their choice to listen or not. It can be be hard and yeah they can get a divorce, but maybe this person feels like this is all they deserve. Maybe this person doesn't see all of this. Be kind and honest about it. It is something that should be discussed. Even if the wedding is tonight!

brown eyed girl said...

I don't know, I think I'd not say anything at all. I usually try to keep my opinions to myself and only voice them if a-I'm asked, or b-I feel its going to bother me forever on a moral level. I don't think I'd say anything in this situation. I completely agree that your friend may be making a wrong decision, but I think that's part of the life experience? Unfortunately, sometimes it takes doing things the hard way.

I hope you're alright with your decision-making process and find some peace with your decision.

April said...

So at first, I wanted to tell you to definitely say something, especially if youare close with this person. But, after reading everyone's great advice, I would have to agree. Just be a support system for him - be there and encourage him and be a positive friend (cuz you know if he ain't getting that from her, he will need to get it from those who love him).
Lucky girl to have such smart friends!! :o)

BLC :o said...

Oh man does she sound like a full fledge dose of bridezilla! As I can see, I am not the only one who feels like they've been in your shoes. And it isn't fun. I know your stuck, but you have do what is right for you and your friendship. You have some amazing advice here. Take it as you will and best of luck!! Praying for you tough cookie. Xoxo-BLC

Nessa said...

Honestly i would be dying to warn him, but it isnt my place to do so. The best you can do is pray that things go according to God's will, otherwise you gotta let it go a support him. :/ Good luck to you on making the right choice!

Pink Paisley said...

I agree with all the comments above - looks like there are some times when it is best to zip it up and pray for the best!

Channa said...

I have been on the other end. My husband’s best friends and parents did not want him to marry me; they did everything possible to keep us from marring each other. It was such a horrible time in our lives, the amount of hate and damage they caused was irreparable. Their reasoning for not wanting him to marry me was because they thought I was "better" then him. I came from a different type of family, different life situation. After enduring everything that they caused I vowed to never judge a situation that I am not in, because I truly never gave them any reason to hate me. In this case I would say there may be things you are not seeing. Sometimes you don't always see more being on the outside. You are a good friend to care but I would not say anything. And remember to not judge what you do not know for 100%

Ruggy13 said...

I think it has to be something he figures out on his own term. Especially since the wedding is this close. If you say something, He's not going to call it off right before because that's just a HUGE thing to do! Unfortunately, you may have to watch this one happen and be there in the end for your friend!

Dani said...

I think that it depends on how close to the person you are. If this is let's say a best friend or a family member I would tell him. I was engaged for over a year and until I broke it off, no one said anything to me. I wish that my family and friends would have spoken up before.

I think that at times people need to speak up...though it may not be the nicest thing to do, it may help out in the end. And even if the person doesn't agree, at least you spoke your mind.

a H.I.T. said...

Unfortunately, I think you just have to grin and bear it. Sometime similar happened with Husby's best friend. They got engaged and she was just all wrong for him. Flash forward, the engagement is off. He figured it out on his own, and if it's truly not meant to be, so will your friend.

Basically, we offered our congratulations and support when they got engaged and offered our regrets and support when they broke it off.

Just being a friend is help enough.

Good Gals Inc said...

You know I made this mistake once. I said something about how the girl was all wrong for him and she wasn't good enough and yadda yadda. We aren't friends anymore and I completely regret that I ever said anything. I think it's part of being a friend that you stick by your friend no matter what happens. And I had to learn that he hard way. The bottom line, she is having sex with him and he thinks he loves her. Two things you aren't doing with him so why would he listen. He won't listen to you and that is hard to think that you're friend is making a mistake. All you can do is be there when and if it messes up. Sorry to be so blunt but talking to my friend a few years ago is my biggest regret (it got really messy and me just talking to him was just a small part). So learn from my mistake!

AmyKristen said...

How close are you to the guy? Would he give you permission to honestly speak into his life? I honestly think if you are close to him, you should talk to him. I think he'd appreciate that you are looking at for him and want what's best for him! It would be hard to sit back and watch. Maybe he needs to see the perspective of someone on the outside. Sounds like you'd be doing him a HUGE favor. Keep us updated!