March 17, 2009

Here Comes Goodbye...

OK, am I nuts or what??  I have had this post written for a week but have been too SCARED to post it and very SCARED of the comments I might receive because of it.  Hey, it was on my mind and it is important to me to be real with ya'll.  I want people to know the real me, even if it makes me looks CRAZY!!!  Haha!  It will make sense if you read it all.  Feel free to skip this one if you want - it is just a random, yet personal look into my life!

XOXO





Do you remember the first time you had your heart broken - the very minute it was happening?  It happened to me during my Junior year of college...I can still picture that exact moment.  It was a horrible rush throughout my body, immediate tears, it felt like my "heart" was falling apart from the inside out.  I was scared, mad, hurt, confused...I was everything, all at once.  A chill comes over me when I think of that moment.  I remember laying in my bed at night trying to bargain with God - I would say, "Please, please don't let this be it.  Please give me one more chance with him."  I had no idea...

I had been with him for four years and he was all I knew.  My mom and dad got divorced when I was young and it left me looking for something.  Anything.  He was what I found.  I had no idea that four years later he would be the source of every regret in my entire life - I guess he changed his mind about me after four long years.  We said we loved each other but we didn't.  I liked the feeling of having something constant in my life and I never considered whether or not we were right for each other.  We were so obviously wrong for each other.

It was my 21st birthday and he had recently ended it.  My mom surprised me with a trip to New York City...I should have been happy, why wasn't I?  I tried my hardest to have fun all the while hoping and praying that when I went back to school, he would be there and he would be sorry and we would be...together.  I sat on the plane to NYC next to my mother and blasted my iPod to help me forget what I left behind in Texas.  She knew what was on my mind but she let me be.

We made it to New York and thanks to my mom, we were staying in the most incredible hotel.  I stood in the lobby wishing the week away - all I wanted was one more chance to make it work.  I had almost convinced myself to let it go but then came *the* text..."I met someone" it said.  Crushing.  That was it...it wouldn't be me.  Not this time.

You might wonder why I would ever write something like this.  That was the most incredible heartache I had ever felt, why relive it?  This is why...my perfect Drew P.

Do you know that I would go through that kind of hurt, that exact rushing moment, for years on end to be with him for even one day.  That is love - not the needy, hollow, conditional "love" that I thought I knew all those years ago.  That was just a filler.  Drew is my heart, my soul, my happy ending, MY LIFE.  If I didn't have him - talk about hurt.

I know that many of you reading this will think I am insane for spilling so much of myself into this random post but I needed to do it.  I know how real this is for so many of us but we never share the real, down and dirty things that made us who we are.  So...this is me.

I am a happy, thankful and totally IN LOVE girl and I thank God that this happened to me.  How else would I have known who I am?  Things aren't always supposed to be easy...but they will even out in the end.

To a few friends on my mind - it will happen when you least expect it.  I promise you.  He will come along.


28 comments:

BeeHappy said...

Thanks for the hope! I didn't think this was insane! It's very heartfelt. I'm glad you shared. Besides isn't blogging all about sharing feelings. Great story! I'm glad you have found your true love! That's awesome!

Melissa said...

I don't think you're insane at all! A very similar situation happened to me. We were together almost 5 years. All through high school and the start of college. I thought I was in love and really he was all I knew. But I thank God for that terrible heartbreak. Because without it, I would not be in the most perfect relationship that I am in curently which is going on 6 years! God works in mysterious ways sometimes!!

KLC said...

I can totally relate to this post. Countless times I prayed for things to work out with the wrong guys... But I am so glad those prayers went unanswered because it led me to my boyfriend :) thanks for sharing your story

Mojito Maven said...

This is a great post! I think every girl has experienced this at one point!

BLC :o said...

Great great great post!! More girls need to hear your story and I definitely relate. Thanks for putting yourself out there! Xoxo-BLC

Liana said...

this was great! i agree it comes along when you least expect it, im glad you found him :)

Cheap Wife said...

Very honest and well written post.
I agree with you..
It is so cliche to be told "don't worry...it will work out..everything happens for a reason."
But years later, when you are engaged and in love and living your dream life, you realize that it wasn't cliche at all. Everything really does happen for a reason, and sometimes it all works out in the end.

Hayley said...

i found your blog last week, and i have to say, this post was like reading something i had written!! that moment of pain, like being punched in the gut...even praying, telling God to bring him back, that i wanted the person i was supposed to be with back.

little did i know that He was sending me my REAL true love...it all worked the way it was supposed to =)

Leslie said...

I think so many women have been there. Thank you so much for sharing and letting us peek into your life! :)

Jules said...

Great post, Ashley! I along with many other women have been there before and felt exactly as you explained. Something similar happened to me when I was about 24 and I never thought I would be whole again. It's amazing that everything works itself out and you find yourself a few years later exactly where you should be. This does make me think back and appreciate my husband and the love I have now.

capperson said...

Thanks for the hope! I hope I find my Mr. Perfect one day :)

Jamie said...

This is exactly what I needed to read :) Thanks so much for sharing!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

Aw I think this is a great post! I think we can all relate to that moment when we thought our worlds were going to come crashing down on us.

Channa said...

You are not insane, you are every girl. I remember my moment like that; it changes your life forever. At that moment, I could literally feel my heart breaking. It changed the course of my life. And little did I know then, that moment would define my life now. It opened me up to be vulnerable and that made me able to truly feel everything 100%! Thanks for sharing, you are awesome!!

Nessa said...

This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing a little piece of your heart with us. ;) I think i go through the same battles with my blog, should i share this or that piece of me or not.. but i think its therapeutic and so be it. If it helps you, do it. You never know how many readers you may reach and touch. Be Blessed. =)

Nicole-Lynn said...

I agree! Great post!

kellymarie said...

:] I hope you are right!

d.a.r. said...

Love this post. My best friend has dated loser after loser after loser and is getting desperate because so many of us are already married. So, she starts talking wedding plans after the first date. I keep trying to tell her to wait and that "when it is meant to happen, it will happen". It's hard to remember that it only appears that easy from this side of things!

Heather said...

Aww what a great post Ash!! and Thank You for the hope. I know it will happen when it's supposed to and God is working on my behalf, but sometimes it's hard to see that and be patient!

pocket full of pink said...

SO well written!! I think so many girls go through this and need to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!! Only when it's dark out can you see the brightest stars! Thanks for sharing!

Tabitha said...

It's so true! Every bit of heartache is completely worth it when you find the person who makes you ultimately, unbelievably, endlessly happy. Thanks for sharing!!

resplendentlife said...

Yes, the first heartbreak is a difficult one, but you're right...if we need the hard times to grow and mature us.
Welcome to SITS!

Stephanie said...

OH my goodness, I know so many have already said this, but this must happen to every girl. The hard part is when you're going through it you feel so alone and like no one else has ever experienced this type of pain. It is so comforting, even now, almost 8 years later to know I wasn't the only one left heart broken, depressed, angry and alone. I've found my Prince Charming - we're getting married in September and I know how I had to go through what I did to get to where I am, but that pain is just all encompassing at the time.

Thank you for a real and honest post that so many of us can relate to :)

a H.I.T. said...

I had such a similar experience before Husby. I will never forget the feeling of my heart breaking. I had just moved to the city and was living alone. He came over and ended it. We had been together for six years.

I cried, then stopped and kicked him out. Once he left, I called my mom and told her. While on the phone with her, I became physically ill. She rushed into the city with my brother and brought me home for the weekend. I felt like a part of me died, and it did.

But what I didn't realize was that my heart had to break in order for Husby to fix it. A part of me had to die so Husby could replace it. When you find the one, you just know and I would go through everything again in a heartbeat, so long as my road always leads back to Husby.

Gretchen and Jimmy said...

This really hit home for me. I am sooo glad that you shared it! It is VERY true!

Jenny.Lee said...

Excellent post...thank you for sharing!

Ruggy13 said...

i totally...%100 get you!

Tim said...

Ashley,

Great post! Im hooked. Found you on BeeHappy.

I hope you wont mind me following along. Im a fellow Texan as well.

You would probably really enjoy the incredible story of how I met my wife. You can find it by going to my blog and clicking on our picture in the right side bar just under my kids pictures.

Please feel free to visit us at Fort Thompson anytime, you are always welcome!

Love and Prayers,

Tim