OK, am I nuts or what?? I have had this post written for a week but have been too SCARED to post it and very SCARED of the comments I might receive because of it. Hey, it was on my mind and it is important to me to be real with ya'll. I want people to know the real me, even if it makes me looks CRAZY!!! Haha! It will make sense if you read it all. Feel free to skip this one if you want - it is just a random, yet personal look into my life!
Do you remember the first time you had your heart broken - the very minute it was happening? It happened to me during my Junior year of college...I can still picture that exact moment. It was a horrible rush throughout my body, immediate tears, it felt like my "heart" was falling apart from the inside out. I was scared, mad, hurt, confused...I was everything, all at once. A chill comes over me when I think of that moment. I remember laying in my bed at night trying to bargain with God - I would say, "Please, please don't let this be it. Please give me one more chance with him." I had no idea...
I had been with him for four years and he was all I knew. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young and it left me looking for something. Anything. He was what I found. I had no idea that four years later he would be the source of every regret in my entire life - I guess he changed his mind about me after four long years. We said we loved each other but we didn't. I liked the feeling of having something constant in my life and I never considered whether or not we were right for each other. We were so obviously wrong for each other.
It was my 21st birthday and he had recently ended it. My mom surprised me with a trip to New York City...I should have been happy, why wasn't I? I tried my hardest to have fun all the while hoping and praying that when I went back to school, he would be there and he would be sorry and we would be...together. I sat on the plane to NYC next to my mother and blasted my iPod to help me forget what I left behind in Texas. She knew what was on my mind but she let me be.
We made it to New York and thanks to my mom, we were staying in the most incredible hotel. I stood in the lobby wishing the week away - all I wanted was one more chance to make it work. I had almost convinced myself to let it go but then came *the* text..."I met someone" it said. Crushing. That was it...it wouldn't be me. Not this time.
You might wonder why I would ever write something like this. That was the most incredible heartache I had ever felt, why relive it? This is why...my perfect Drew P.
Do you know that I would go through that kind of hurt, that exact rushing moment, for years on end to be with him for even one day. That is love - not the needy, hollow, conditional "love" that I thought I knew all those years ago. That was just a filler. Drew is my heart, my soul, my happy ending, MY LIFE. If I didn't have him - talk about hurt.
I know that many of you reading this will think I am insane for spilling so much of myself into this random post but I needed to do it. I know how real this is for so many of us but we never share the real, down and dirty things that made us who we are. So...this is me.
I am a happy, thankful and totally IN LOVE girl and I thank God that this happened to me. How else would I have known who I am? Things aren't always supposed to be easy...but they will even out in the end.
To a few friends on my mind - it will happen when you least expect it. I promise you. He will come along.